so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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