I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
