Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
