i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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