I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
