i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
