She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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