there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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