drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
