my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
