It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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