That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
