Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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