exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
