You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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