go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
