Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
