omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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