Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
