I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
