yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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