Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
