the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
