Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
