My liver just broke up with me...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
