Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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