I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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