I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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