I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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