im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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