I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
