Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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