We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
