I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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