my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
