I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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