One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
