the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
