The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
