I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
