did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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