I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
