I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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