I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
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I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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