she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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