I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
