Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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