I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
