I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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