I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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