in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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