While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
