So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
