This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
