my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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